Currently Listening Mezzanine By Massive Attack see related

(                        )
& in my best behavior,
i am really just like him.

i am a scatterbrained mess, lately.
nothing formulates into a full-fledged thought.
...bits&pieces i can only begin to dissect.

free-flow thought. spill your guts.

tonight i questioned the methods behind my madness, and i realized that i live in fear of leaving myself vulernable to anyone. no no, not in a TRUST NO-ONE paranoia sense. but, to scratch the surface:
i have a tendency to not let anyone know where they stand with me. if you can't tell whether i'm laughing with you or at you, whether i love you or hate you... it is, on some level, intentional on my part.
though i'm much more honest and vocal when i hate someone, when it comes to the people i truly care about, i have trouble letting my feelings be known. showering people with kindness and compliments-- this isn't exactly my style. i feel much safer keeping my mouth shut.
without abandoning my beliefs completely, i plan on attempting to open up more to the people i give a shit about. like hell i'll become a total softy, but really, i'm sure it drives people insane, trying to figure me out. it seems only fair that i help them out a little bit, right?

oddly enough, i'm extremely satisfied with life right now.
there's a layer of uneasiness in there somewhere,
but overall, i feel really, really happy. it's weird.

weird.

Currently Listening Illinois By Sufjan Stevens see related

i kind of forgot i had a xanga for a minute there.
so, it seems, did everyone else.
xanga's for angsty teenagers, n-e-wayz.
go get a livejournal, peoplezzzzz.

alexisnicole.fotki.com, people. that's what it's all about.

this past week was pretty DAMN AWESOME, okay.
thanksgiving, heart-to-hearts, and a kegger to end it all.
unfortunately, it's too windy outside to joyride and clear my head, so i'm stuck in the house tonight. i'm procrastinating on cleaning my room, so i figured i'd dick around on the internet a bit first.
WTF THIS ENTRY IS BORING.

GROSS, ALL THE HOT GUYS I'VE SEEN LATELY ARE LIKE 17.
"i like 'em young 'cause they're more experimental!!"
seriously, though. underage, arrogant, superficial, mind-numbingly dumb- you name it. WHAT HAPPENED TO HAVING AN ATTRACTIVE PERSONALITY TO MATCH YOUR PRETTY FACE, BOYZ. stop getting my fucking hopes up.

i kind of don't want to meet anyone EVER AGAIN, because my track record is getting pretty bad. i've found a handful of keepers, but most people have ended up befriending me for their own personal gain&greed. give-and-take friendships are fine by me, but most people have proven to be dirty, deceiving, manipulating liars..
STOP BEING A FUCKBAG. THANKS.
i'm becoming more and more of a hermit lately, and i don't mind it one single bit.

contradicting my last statement entirely,
someone go on a fucking road trip with me plz. PLZ.

in other news, i've listened to this cd like 40 times in the past 5 days.
i win.

in other news....
.....????#?@#$,.2rkjm,.jml,jjkhfhgdffgxdnnmn,

um.
i think i've eaten every cracker that ever existed in this house.
lame.

Currently Listening Cripple Crow By Devendra Banhart, Devendra Banhart see related

so, this morning i woke up around 9AM when something EXPLODED near our neighborhood and we lost power for 3 or 4 hours. dear god, it was gay. when i wake up i like to dick around, pick my butt in front of the tv and check up on all my internet stuff, etc. or at least make some breakfast or go in the bathroom and do my morning freshen-up routine.
instead, i walked around aimlessly for a bit and ended up reading the new issue of glamour and studying up on the basic writings of sigmund freud & betty & veronica's double digest.
i think that put me in a slump for the rest of the day, and i haven't done anything productive since, aside from downloading space cowboy.

i forgot how much i hate having my blood drawn and cold showers. both of those things suck fucking ass. my surgery on wednesday is the icing on the cake here, fellas.
WAIT I FORGOT, IT GETS BETTER. i'm not supposed to smoke. of course, the doctor recommended i cut down from now until my surgery for safety precautions, but she said she'd prefer it if i were able to quit cold turkey. and of course, it's one of those situations where the deed holds way more importance now that you've been forbidden to do it.
it doesn't help that everyone in my family smokes, as well as a large percentage of my friends, and halloween is this weekend, meaning lots of partying and, by default, cigarette smoking.
FUCK I HATE IT AND GET BLOODTHIRSTY WITHOUT MY NICOTINE THANKS.

i think i'm done bitching for now, and also, lindsey tagged my ass so i'm now obligated to fill this out. LAWLZ!!@!@11`

10 YEARS AGO I WAS:

• watching now&then every single day, probably.   
• schooling everyone on how to rock a sega genesis.   
• actually going to school, i think at thomas elementary.   
• living in the "vomit colored" house, if i remember correctly.   
• a lottttt happier.

• your typical strung-out angsty teenager.   
• rocking clark high school's face off.   
• just beginning to party it up at eisenbergs. ahahaha lame.   
• living in the house i live in now, which i hate.   
• a whore. lolzzzz.

• starting college at the art institute of dallas.   
• playing magenta for the local rocky horror picture show cast (3md).   
• at le strip club frequently, because my wifestar & i own that place.   
• thankfully not pregnant with anyone's kid. DUH, IDIOT.   
• probably one of the smoothest pimps alive in the history of the universe.

• got bloodwork done and flipped a shit. i think that was yesterday...?   
• realized that watching horror movies with xtina is the best ever.    
• met up with payge @ hobby lobby and made the awesomest GURNAL ever.   
• watched america's next top model, because it's amazing.   
• tried unsuccessfully to cut down on smoking (see above)
  

• crackers are awesome.   
• chips with spinach & artichoke dip.   
• peanuts.   
• peanut butter, straight up.   
• men. OOOOH SMOOOOTH.

• all of bon jovi's greatest hits, nigga.   
• pms - poor thing. YOU TOOK MY BODY, TORE IT IN HALFFFF.   
• patrick swayze - she's like the wind. DIRTYDANCINGxCORE.   
• elton john - tiny dancer. holy crap, yes.   
• every spice girls song in existance, before geri left the group.

• road trip around the united states.
  
• fall in love.
  
• learn the routine at the end of dirty dancing and totally be able to perform it on demand.
  
• get drunk and married on a whim.
  
• do as many awesome things as i can.
  

• spoil myself.   
• spoil my friends&family.   
• hire bonnie tyler to join my entourage and sing "total eclipse of the heart" on repeat FOREVER.
  
• buy a clan of realdolls.   
• pull a "paris hilton" and make myself famous for doing nothing except being rich.

• i   
• would   
• probably   
• wear   
• ANYTHING.

• MOTHERFUCKING DEGRASSI.   
• gilmore girls, and i am no longer ashamed to admit it.   
• queer as folk. yah, i love that "fag shit".   
• reno911!   
• weeds

• are   
• you   
• kidding?   
• I'M   
• PERFECT.

• friends&family.   
• wintertimeeee.   
• joyriding, windows down/music up.   
• spontaneous adventures.   
• sexual encounters, duh.

• lots and lots of water.
  
• cigarettes, sadly.
  
• LOL LAUGHTER, FAG.
  
• human contact.
  
• silly songs to sing to. or i'll just rock it acapella.
  

• that kid from 7th heaven who is really sweet and bought ruthie pads.   
• dean from gilmore girls, because he's a dreamboat and has a tomato sweater.   
• jay, my degrassi thug boyfriend. duh.   
• tom hanks in big because he's a smooth operator.   
• that hot guy from that one movie...